My ambiguous shoulder duo.

Let me show you them.

Yesterday, 6:30pm- I’m lying in my new fabulous bedroom reading Slaughterhouse-Five. (Can you believe I’ve never read it?) Oh hell :(... Norman’s operation. It’s about that time. I mosey on into the living room, yawning and stretching, and see a 4 inch mini me avec halo sitting on the window sill- smoking a cigarette and filling out college forms. (My Shoulder Good Girl took to smoking the last time C. and I broke up- presumably to calm her nerves. An event that also caused her eyes to turn bright blue- something about ‘taking the people we love with us, always’ or some such sentimentality)

Me: Hey. It’s almost time to go- put those away and help me get Norm, k?
Shoulder Good Girl: Says the girl who’s been lounging in bed all day. There’s time yet... *finally tearing her eyes away from the paper, looks me up and down haughtily* You know... eh, never mind.
Me: What?
SGG: Well, you *could* go for a nice jog.
Me: Wha..?
SGG: Or maybe do some sit-ups or something while we’re waiting...
Me: :O
SGG: I’m just saying- you’re kinda maybe sorta letting yourself go. Pot belly and all... just saying…
Me: :O *blink* :O
SGG: *dramatic sigh* Oh like I said- never mind! Say- don’t forget we still need to pick out a present for J. at work. For Secret Santa. It was your idea...

(About this time a slightly slurred, barely coherent voice chimes in from the kitchen. I shake my head and leave Shoulder Good Girl to her superiority. Rounding the island- there she is… weaving a bit, clutching a bottle of vodka, using my magnetic poetry kit to make dirty limericks- Shoulder Bad Girl!)

Me: Wassat?
Shoulder Bad Girl: I said *here she uses the bottle to punctuate each word* we should get him a little leather whip. *Huge grin* You know- a hotel inside joke and all!
Me: (She looks so pleased with herself I can’t help but chuckle a bit) Hehe- well, maybe...
SGG (to me): *completely indignant* OMG. You cannot be serious? Kell- please tell that pleather wearing lunatic over there that would be completely inappropriate.
Me: *looking hard at SGG* Hey! Is that a black eye..?
SBG (to me): *losing her humor* Kell... please tell Ms. Uptight over there that he would totally get it and think it was funny.
Me: Shoulder Bad Girl... What’s on your... you have a fat lip! :O
SGG (to me): *sickeningly sweet* Kelllll, tell that BOY KISSER in the kitchen that I’d rather die than hand over something so tasteless so completely...
SBG (to SGG): We’re imaginary you moron! We can’t die!!
SGG (to SBG): Moron? *getting louder* MORON? Oh! That! Is! It!

(I stand in shock as my two little alter egos race the distance between them and start pummeling each other- fists and fury high. Shoulder Bad Girl gets in one good shot before Shoulder Good Girl starts to choke her with her halo...)

SGG: TRAMP!!
SBG: *gasping around halo* SNOB!!
SGG: I HATE YOU!
SBG: I HATE YOU TOO!

(Hm. Something tells me this has happened before... It seems they’ve been getting on even less cordially than usual. I finish packing Normy up in his carrier and toss the kids over my shoulder- they’ve progressed to deep breaths, angry sighs, and sniffles.)

In the car. For some reason I picked a vet WAY WAY out. It takes forever to get there. Norman is being such a good boy in his box and I feel horrible that I will soon be doing this to him. The Shoulder duo is presently sitting on opposite ends of the backseat. After accelerating to 75 then slowing back down to 55 over and over again... I couldn’t take their squabbling anymore and banished them.

We get there and go in- the girls on their respective shoulders, Normy in hand. There is paperwork upon paperwork to be filled out. Waivers and such... they people there are so nice, I’m starting to feel better about having the operation done. Until I see this.

Release from responsibility for ACCIDENTAL CASTRATION DEATH.
Oh-my-freakin-god.

*Phew* *Phew*
*Thunk* *Thunk*

The duo simultaneously loses consciousness and falls to the ground.

(Norman, before he’s taken away, reaches a kitty paw out from his box to pat at the two passed out mini me’s as if to say *sob* ‘bye guys, it’s been fun!’)

It’s a quiet car ride home... I keep thinking about how maybe this was unnecessary and how lonely Normy’s gonna be all night. Please! Please let him be ok... The vets at Cats Preferred are really awesome. He’s in good hands, right?

We pull into our ramp and I look over to see if the girls are ready to go in. I’m greeted by two icy, icy pairs of eyes glaring back at me.

Me: Oh come on guys... you know we had to! He’ll be fine.
SBG: I can’t believe you left him at that ball butcher!
SGG: Honestly woman- you call yourself his momma... Come on lunatic...
SBG: Right beside you, Mary.

(And they leave – righteous together, arm in arm. A duo again)

Well then. So it goes.