3 phone calls

*OR*
Everything that's wrong with me is probably my family's fault.

I talk to my grandmother twice a year. Once on her birthday, once on mine. The former was a couple of weeks ago. The entire day I'm suffused with a sense of heavy responsibility as if my task was something completely arduous- more akin to having teeth pulled than a social call to a sweet elderly woman. I put it off as long as possible and my guilt over this fact is multiplied with imagined lamentations of my poor grandma's woe. She is catholic, I am not- and this is the one time of the year I wonder how much of that has rubbed off on me after all. This purported catholicism is *not* the reason for my silence, however. In fact... I have no idea why I don’t call more. Huh.

Phone call #1. 09/28/08

Me: "Happy birthday grandma! How do you feel? How are things?"
Gdog: "Well... can you believe I’m still alive?"
Me: "Oh my freakin god, don’t say that gram-"
Gdog: "Yeah, yeah- yeah. Let’s skip the pleasantries- lord knows I don’t have that much time left and neither do you, seeing as how you bought the cheap cell phone plan."
Me: :-o
Gdog: "Your mother said you went on a trip. Did you have a good time?"
Me: "Why *yes* I did indee..."
Gdog: "And then she said you met someone when you were there. I guess you did have a good time."
Me: "Uh... she told you that?"
Gdog: "And then she said he was coming here to see you in a couple of weeks. Sounds like HE had a good time too."
Me: "Erm... she told you that?"
Gdog: "Word of advice kiddo- just take things slow. You're plenty young, you know? Love you dear, gotta go."
Me: "Um... No it’s not (mumble) I mean, yes, but (mumble)" ::sigh:: "Love you too..."
*click*

So about a month ago I had a moment with someone. I assumed at the time it was just an experience I was having but seeing as how he booked a flight *here*, it must have been a shared experience thus making it a moment. Yeah. Does that make sense? :) After floating on that fabulous feeling for a month I decided it was time to tear it apart piece by piece and analyze every single moment of said trip. I wasn't feeling enough doubt or uncertainty about the whole thing, so it was definitely time to call my friend Scarlett.

Phone call #2. 10/05/08

Me: "Helllloooo dahling!"
BFFScar: "It’s about time you called to invite me, I was feeling completely unloved at the moment!"
Me: "Uhhh... what, why?"
BFFScar: "Your cousin Danny told me all about it- you’re bringing that guy up here to meet the whole family. I know we’re not *biologically* related or anything but I always kinda assumed I was part of your little urban Duluth family..."
Me: "Of course you are, silly. But what is this about meeting the family?"
BFFScar: "Well GOOD. Now that I know the urban fam is invited, I’m going to ask some of the old crew to come too. You know, we all worked together for so long and I know they’d love to see you before you move for good."
Me: "WHAT!?"
BFFScar: "Danny said your uncle Dan wanted to do it at his house- so with the say, 10 of us and Danny’s estimate of just your immediate family... like 15 more plus some kids? Is your uncle's house big enough to hold 30 people and enough food to feed everybody?"
Me: :-o "Erm, Scar? I gotta go..."
BFFScar: "Okay hun, just let me know if his house is going to work or if you’d rather we rent someplace. I’m so touched you want me to be included in this! Love you!"
Me: "Um... No it’s not (mumble) I mean, yes, but (mumble)" ::sigh:: "Love you too..."
*click*

I stare at the phone for a few moments (because, you know- the phone was sharing the same FREAKY experience as me;) Now where the hell would my cousin get this idea? I talk to him less than I talk to my grandm... oh HELL. Now I remember why I only call her twice a year. I better do some damage control quick before this REALLY gets out of hand.

Phone call #3. 10/07/08

Me: "MUM!"
Maternal Figure: "KELL!"
Me: "Okay... so you’re not going to believe this. You know how I call gram on her birthday?" ::Here I launch into the whole story, ending with the subsequent party in ‘our’ honor making sure to emphasize my utter lack of any declaration to do such a thing:: "So why would she do this?"
MF: *complete nonchalance* "Meh, you know my mother is a raving lunatic at times."
Me: "What should I do? Hey! Maybe when she invites YOU to this shindig, you can explain how she just misinterpreted it the wrong way? But please mum, be nice."
MF: "Can’t do."
Me: "You can’t be nice? Omg- she’s your mother fer christ’s sake- er wait... Wait. A minute. Did you know about this?" :-o
MF: "She invited me two weeks ago."
Me: "Mo-ther! Why didn’t you SAY anything- you knew what was really goin-"
MF: "Your sister’s making her cauliflower salad and Uncle Mart is bringing a green bean casserole with those crunchy onions on top. Gosh Kell, you know how I love those crunchy onions. Don’t be so selfish."
Me: "I can’t bring him up there! *I’ve* only met him twice! Why would I do this? Why is everyone assuming these things?"
MF: "Don’t be silly. Just pretend you didn't know anything about it. Now I have to go to the store, I'm running low on fillings and I'm supposed to make two pies, you think two pies ought to be enough for everyone? It should be- but you know how Dusty and Joe like those banana cream pies... I'll be damned if I'm making them their OWN private pie though. Anyways, love you kid, take care."
Me: "No it’s not (mumble) I mean, yes, but (mumble)" ::sigh:: "Love you too..."
*click*

So picture a whole room full of MEs- excitable and slightly nuts, bumping into things and spilling beverages all over the place. Hehehe, I almost wish I *was* going...

<3 my fam sometimes.