Happy Birthday?

‘I don’t want Kell here.’
‘Well *I* do, she’s not here for you- she’s here for me... The last time we had this conversation you didn’t listen to a damn word I said. ’
‘I don’t want Kell here!’
‘Makes you uncomfortable- her seeing you like this, doesn’t it? Good. You’re going to remember every minute of this- including what I got to say to you.’

I am witnessing this conversation between two of my coworkers on the side of the road. He is to my left, dejected- sitting on the curb with his head in his hands. She is to my right, indignant- standing in the lamplight with her hands on her hips. Our hotel is two blocks up on the right. There is a discarded aluminum bat one block down to the left. No one has forgotten about its presence.

‘It’s time to grow up and get real ‘cause you ain’t hurting nobody but yourself. You *know* the MOD had every right to send you home, reeking of booze like you do. He didn’t even fire you outright like he could of- he was giving you a chance! Another chance- AGAIN. (Here she points down to our left) Is *that* how you were gonna repay that courtesy?!’
‘I’m so sorry Kell...’
Me: ...s’okay. (This is the first thing I’ve uttered since I was summoned into this congregation twenty minutes ago)
‘Don’t apologize to her- you should be apologizing to me. *I’m* the one who has to see you like this; *I’m* the one you choose to call. And I cannot watch you do this to yourself anymore.’

I thought he was doing better. Going to meetings, staying active- you know. When I’m single and miles away from home I form these slightly dysfunctional, but strangely loyal urban families. There isn’t anyone else to make sure that interview went ok or you made it home safely after a long/late trip. We have a responsibility to each other to be there for our family. After his 35th birthday last week, he hit bottom and I didn’t know. It looks like I failed him.

‘I’m just so goddamn lonely. I’ve got you guys... but other than that it’s just me and my cats. Most days I’m in my apartment trying to find something to do to distract myself from the fact that I have no one to come home to- to talk about my day with that way and hear about theirs. (He stands up and starts yelling) DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT’S LIKE?! Family hundreds of miles away! Screwed up good relationships! Suck ass job at a shitty hotel going nowhere! Do you know what that’s like!?’
Me: I know what that’s like.
‘...I know you do Kell... and I don’t know how the hell you do it. How do you manage? Keep that fucking “life is rainbows and gummy bears” attitude? I have no idea how you keep it together when you let *everybody* know the things you’ve done and said. Are you the world’s biggest fake?’
‘No! No, no no- you leave her alone. This isn’t about her, it’s about you and how we’re bringing you home and you’re taking a shower and sweating it out and going to bed.’

And so she saves me from answering and we do those things for our friend.

But I thought about this the entire week. The three of us really aren't that different from each other at all. I’ve been hesitant to be too optimistic and cheerful since then. Today this just seems downright silly. But really- what would I have said to him?

Hey you- here goes: Ok, so honestly? I don’t think about it all that often. On those days when I can't help feeling a little sorry about my little situation I may have a little exercise that I do. I think- what makes me happy? Not the big happy, mind you- the other stuff that you don’t put as much value on when you have the big happy. Like...

A/C on hot days and fireplaces on cold ones.
Bookstores and sidewalk sales.
A surprising find in literature, film, music, etc.
Mutual eye-catching on the street.
Tasting something delicious for the first time.
The fact that I can still remember perfectly what my father's hands looked like.
The color lavender.
Receiving a well-timed and sincere compliment.
Giving a well-timed and sincere compliment.

The list of small whatnots can go on for quite a while. Then I think- what are the odds I’m going to get to experience one/all of these things again. *ahem* PRETTY FREAKIN’ GOOD! And it’s enough because it *has* to be enough, you know?