Checkmate/Stalemate.

So.
Once one has plans, the only logical thing to do it carry out those plans. My credit card debt was almost eliminated, I had been mending some of those loose ends, and saying appropriate goodbyes.
But then.
Something happened and now I owe someone a GREAT deal of money. It's completely my fault. I can't blame anyone. Except... y'know- the universe.

I'll admit- I cried bitter, disbelieving tears. But.. but... but come ON. This was supposed to be it! You're supposed to figure out what you think you want, take steps, work hard, and make your way there- right? Maybe you won't get what you set out to find but you're supposed to be able to try!! I was being so freakin' positive, universe! After all this time, all I've had to lose- I deserve a chance at this happiness I'm looking for.

Oh you *deserve* it, Kell? You think you're *owed* something in the world? And don't blame anyone for your situations- you selfish, selfish girl. YOU kissed that boy. YOU couldn't be there for your friends. If I recall correctly- YOU signed that bond all the while thinking she was a better friend to you than all those others you threw away. Grow up- everything you've lost, you've deserved to lose.

No, no! I kissed a boy- yes, and I've been beating myself up over that for YEARS goddammit. I'm SORRY! What else can I do to make up for it?! What else can you possibly take away from me!? I am so *tired* of being the villain. I am so *tired* of coming home with no one there. I'm not lonely but I think I've been alone LONG ENOUGH.

I wandered outside to have the day's last smoke and I felt like screaming myself hoarse at the sky- I'M SORRY. Arms spread wide- no longer in supplication, instead a final accusation... slowly, quietly I uttered- 'For a year, I've tried to make up for these stupid things I've done hoping in time (if I did enough good) somehow I could be forgiven. I haven't been perfect but the past two years have been lost, lonely, and confusing for me. If everything happens for a reason, what's the reason for this? Am I to take this as a sign from you that I'm not supposed to leave? That I'm not done with my penance? I'll sit alone forever if I wait for the right time. I'm here and now I'm ready. I'm done with you, universe.'

I don't deserve anything. But I'm here- asking for it just the same. I want my dream. Fuck the idea of some GRAND UNKNOWABLE PLAN. I'm deciding what *I* want to do and regardless of the cost to myself and the set backs... I'M DOING IT DAMMIT. I feel I know what I have to do- I won't give up. I am NOT taking no for an answer.

First I'm taking back the notice I gave for my apartment. If they don't let me, I'll find another place- smaller and cheaper. I will find another job- I don't care where. I'll donate plasma at least once a week until it makes me sick- I'll get used to it. I'll quit smoking and stay in and walk absolutely everywhere I go. I'm not backing down from this. I *will* go to Seattle, I *will* surround myself with people who are good and I *will* find someone who thinks I'm the cat's pajamas. Not because I deserve these things but because I want it- that damn bad.

That's my answer to this.
...and even though I don't believe in you anymore- it's your move universe.