Outside the air is warming, the final remnants of last week’s storms- the rain, wind, and mist is dissipating. I’m sitting outside sipping my coffee, exhaling plumes of smoke into the uncertain air. One minute the damp air warms me, the next- a crisp breeze snaps my hair across my face and I can almost taste the fall. I’m hanging onto that edge where the present becomes the past and it appears I’m being allowed the luxury of lingering.
. . . . . . . . . .
When I was a little girl, I lived on the outermost fringes of emotion. Quivering in the intensity of feelings, I often drove myself to tears over things others could let go. My parents became exasperated trying to explain what was wrong with me to concerned bystanders. We would be out somewhere and all of a sudden I’d be struggling to hold in the sobs. Each time, I was certain my little girl heart was broken forever.
I remember them all. To this day. Whether or not my remembrance is an actual representation or an interpretation… I guess I don’t know. What I do know is that when I think back of these things I still feel a physical sting in my heart that’s more real than it has any right to be.
I remember… The deaf man at UMD.
My sister was being honored for being a genius (again) and about 10 families were cloistered in a waiting room on campus, waiting to walk on stage with our graduates. A slow man in a jumpsuit (I presume he worked there in some capacity) came into the room and smiled when he took in all the little children held by their parents. He walked over to the vending machines and purchased an ice cream bar, then he brought it over to me and said something in a nasal, mumbling voice. I was frightened because I didn’t understand him. My mom said it was okay and I took his treat and he smiled and I remember thinking he didn’t seem so frightening anymore. He repeated the procedure with the next kid down the line- his parents weren’t paying attention. *Now* I understand they were scared when they saw this strange man offering something to their child but at the time I thought their actions especially cruel. Their inquiries of his behavior literally fell on deaf ears and his lack of response seemed an indicator of guilt. The father yelled at him and slapped the ice cream from his hands and shoved him until the deaf man- hands held up, slowly backed out of the room with his head down.
I remember… the woman at the dairy queen.
One especially hot day my mom and I drove to the Dairy Queen for some free air-conditioning and a dilly bar. Standing in line- being all fidgety and childlike, I passed some time blatantly staring at my fellow dairy enthusiasts. I saw an extremely large woman near the back of the restaurant. She was sitting alone with a tray heaped with food and every so often, she’d reach up to dab at her eyes. Oh-my-god. MOM! Momomomomomomom! Mom, mommom, MOM! That lady over there is CRYING! I was immediately shushed. I couldn’t believe it. I glanced around, wondering if anyone else was going to do something about this (because I’m sure they heard me). Not only did no one move to comfort her, the faces around me displayed… disgust! They’d glance the lady’s way then make a grimace then look away or whisper to their companions. I watched her as we stood in line, I continued to watch her as mom placed the order. She just looked so… *sad*. I don’t think I’ve ever (to this day) seen anyone else look that dejected. The worst part? That grimace displayed by the others? She had a little bit of that in her face as well. She felt disgusted with herself too.
And I remember… my sister Suzy’s birthday.
I don’t remember what year it was exactly. I know I was a surly teenager, bored with family gatherings. My whole family was out at Suzy’s house- she had one or two babies running around and the entire place was a madhouse. Suzy always seems just a little bit sad. I think I’ve always taken it for granted that she would give up the good seat for me, that’d I’d get the biggest slice of the pie, that she’d let me have the spotlight- again and again. She was opening her presents and since the whole family was used to dismissing Suz as part of the background (not cruelly- just because she refused to take up a lot of space), I was possibly the only person watching her as she picked up our uncle Dan’s gift. She tore the wrapping and her mouth dropped open and her eyes lit up. From my perspective, it was just a thin black box- whatever she saw made her gasp and her face light up in an incredible smile. Then she pressed a button on the present and it made a rude noise- the effects were immediate. The smile slid from her face- replaced by a look of utter disappointment and her whole happy demeanor deflated. A quick flash of resignation before she turned to smile at our uncle who laughed as he heard the noise. It might have been considered a beautiful smile if I hadn’t seen the one before it.
. . . . . . . . . .
Yesterday was my sister’s birthday. She and mom came down with the kids and we spent an enjoyable day together. When I think of my sister, I become sad. I wish life would be kinder to her sometimes. She is the sweetest, most deserving person I know. She asks for nothing, she expects nothing. Every birthday I think- I would give anything, pay any amount of money to know what she thought was in that package. Certain desires of mine have been stronger but no other single wish has ever endured for so long. I want to give Suzy the present she wanted.
My coffee is starting to get cold. I supposed time figures it’s stood still long enough for my reminiscence. My last thought before I go back in to start the day (errands, to-dos, stress, runRunRUN) is that I’ve always worried about the wrong things.
But maybe that’s what *defines* a life?