I had several cookies and a trough of coffee for breakfast and yet this hangover refuses to back the hell off. ::sigh:: I knew I shouldn’t have left the twizzlers at home...
Girls’ night.
My mother (and by extension- me, I suppose) is descended from Slavic peasant stock- women who were strong, proud, and who had their share of struggles. Their emotional defense against said struggles was a stoic recitation of adages demonstrating the futility of resisting life’s inevitable hardships. Mom, during her turn- could be found automatically uttering the folksy wisdom that had been faithfully drummed into the heads of many consecutive generations. The best advice my mother ever gave me came from this very lexicon. What made this advice different from the rest was the way my mom said it. She *believed* it- she really had thought about it and meant it. She said:
"Be kind, Kellian. Everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle than you..."
Last night found Steph and I back at her apartment, lamenting our lack of funds and playing with the new girl-cat, Cadence. And by ‘playing’, I mean I was letting her chew on my arm until it bled. As always, our conversation turned to love, life, and the pursuit of happiness. We companionably debate things for a bit- just a nice casual evening between two girlfriends. Being a fan of the DECLARATIVE STATEMENT (I like to just throw em out there. I feel unexplained, this makes me more mysterious and deep.)I make a DECLARATIVE STATEMENT. I say:
"I have no idea how to be in a relationship."
Well. I had no idea this DECLARATIVE STATEMENT would produce the results it did, but immediately after the DS, Stephanie was reduced to hysterics. Seriously, I could hardly understand her- she said (I think):
"AHAHAHA!
You *think*?!! Oh GOD Kell- Ms. I-cannot-tell-a-lie Kell. AHAHAHA! You jump up on your soapbox and scream at the top of your lungs- this is ME!! Here are all my secrets, baggage, and issues!!! If there’s anything you didn’t get the first time, just ask! AHAHAHA!! Here’s the problem if we were playing spades- you wouldn’t start off the game by telling me you had the aces of hearts and spades, the kings of diamonds and hearts... right? Hell no. You want to WIN! But in relationships, that’s exactly WHAT YOU DO!!! AHAHAHA. It’s no wonder everybody jumps ship- you gotta be the captain and you’re steering the ship and all these guys realize, holy shit- she’s gonna crash us into that iceberg!!! The captain has no fucking idea what she’s doing!!!! This bitch is CRAZY!!! AHAHAHA- JUMP SHIP!!!! Kell, I wonder if you didn't *deliberately* ruin every single relationship you've had in the past 2 years!!!
AHAHAHA!"
Well. I could defend myself. Or try to anyways. I could launch into a lengthy explanation of my past behaviors and rationalize and justify, etc. I could be defensive- throw some right back at her. Her laughter seems cruel and it’s starting to hurt me but there’s a slightly held-back hysteria to it I don’t like. So while I *could* do these things, I don’t. Instead I remember what my mother said. And I say:
"...Stephanie.
Stephanie, what’s wrong?"
And she stops laughing.
And her eyes fill up with tears.
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