Tuesday, October 26, 2010

The Army.

“An army of lovers. Really."

Melissa is capable of expressing a level of incredulity that has, on occasion, made me question my sanity, my dignity, and on one memorable day- my own name. She’s truly gifted.

“Kell, you know I love you- but an army of lovers? You can’t even say the word ‘balls’. I’m pretty sure you shower in your bathing suit and you blush when you read Cosmo. How the hell are you going to maintain an army of lovers?”

My dislike of the b-word stems from a much earlier incident involving a room full of men in their late 40s, two hours of sleep the night before, and general hilarity. The rest is pure speculation on Melissa’s part.

This particular decision, like most of my mine, was made with a broken heart, a heap of frivolity, and a dash of wine. Oh let’s be honest- it was more like a bottle... Anywho. It all came about last week.

....................

Wednesday night found Norman and I doing trashy chick-lit stuff like lounging about dramatically on the sofa, watching Pride and Prejudice, and moping over the loss of my most recent relationship. (Well. *I* was, god knows what goes on in his fool kitty mind.) My relationship wasn’t just over- trust, hope, and faith had been SHATTERED. I don’t know what I keep doing wrong. I’m 29 years old, I should be better at this. I mean- I really do enjoy being in them. Honest.

I adore having those intimate connections with people- I love learning about someone new and slowly becoming a presence in their life. The only thing is... it never seems to work out. The most successful relationship I’ve ever had was with a broke 20 year old reggae musician and I suspect that was because I didn’t really *have* a relationship with him. No commitments- I enjoyed his company (and found him sexy as hell) so we’d hang out. We’d be casually having fun and then, when the mood would strike... Hey. Wait a minute.

Epiphany.

..............................

“An army of lovers, Melissa. Attachment without the heartbreak of commitment.”
“But dude, are you sure it’s not becaus-”
“No.”
“If you’re feeling a little lost and directionless because of Jus-”
“That’s not it.”
“Kell, you’re going to want to be in a relationship again someday. And you’re going to have fun and tons of epic adventures again too. I promise.”

Is Melissa right? Am I just desperately seeking a new direction to not have to deal with how much this particular breakup hurt me? Am I worried that I’ll never find someone who could live up to what I want to be possible- eventually becoming jaded and cynical towards love? Is this the kind of open mindedness that will make me a better partner eventually or is it actually giving up by discounting the idea of traditional relationships?

::sigh::

“Missa, you’re right.”
“Right on!”
“I *am* going to have fabulous adventures and tons of fun again!”
“Yeah!”
“...with those guys who are enlisted in my ARMY OF LOVAHS!”
“Wait, what no! D’oh.”

To be continued, I'm sure...

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