I had to pick Marie up at the airport last night. I readily agreed because:
1. I love the airport and will think of any excuse to go there and
2. I get to drive through my old Loring Park neighborhood on the way home from Marie's.
I think I'm supposed to be the person I am when I'm driving on the highways late at night...
Concentrating on the road just enough to let the deliberate part of my mind go.
Streetlights blinking on and off, no one on the road, radio up-
I find myself calm and cool and collected...
And thinking.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
An exercise in futility?
*or*
I really, really wish I could do something.
Yesterday I discovered my ex’s sister is dying of cancer. She’s my age and she’s dying of cancer. I don’t expect this statement to mean the same thing to you as it does to me. I mean, young people die everyday from these things, yes? I know I’ve read about people who weren’t very different from me- getting sick, adjusting... dying.
There’s that sad place in your heart that holds these things for you and I wonder if people have always had that place- or if we’ve had to develop it recently to combat all the accumulated heartache. This place- it holds grief like a bowl and stares at the contents wishing it had something to say.
Sometimes you find yourself sinking into those emotions- reaching towards something you want to fix and save. On arm steadies you on the lip of the bowl, the other stretches far in and you can end up overturning the entire thing if you’re not careful. This is what happened to me when I heard about Hannah.
I found myself on my knees, bawling my head off. Stephanie was on her way over and when she arrived, she rocked me like a child and told me I was going to be alright. Well, duh- I knew *I* was going to be okay but what about Hannah. But was I really crying for her or my dad or myself?
I told myself on my 27th birthday that I wasn’t going to be living in Mpls when I turned 28. I’ve spent a huge chunk of the time since traveling- trying to figure out where to be. I’ve narrowed it down considerably... but what other steps have I taken? Am I just waiting? For what? We all have a limited amount of time here. Hannah might not make it to the end of the year. What would you do if you knew you only had a moment in time left? I think my answers surprised me.
I really, really wish I could do something.
Yesterday I discovered my ex’s sister is dying of cancer. She’s my age and she’s dying of cancer. I don’t expect this statement to mean the same thing to you as it does to me. I mean, young people die everyday from these things, yes? I know I’ve read about people who weren’t very different from me- getting sick, adjusting... dying.
There’s that sad place in your heart that holds these things for you and I wonder if people have always had that place- or if we’ve had to develop it recently to combat all the accumulated heartache. This place- it holds grief like a bowl and stares at the contents wishing it had something to say.
Sometimes you find yourself sinking into those emotions- reaching towards something you want to fix and save. On arm steadies you on the lip of the bowl, the other stretches far in and you can end up overturning the entire thing if you’re not careful. This is what happened to me when I heard about Hannah.
I found myself on my knees, bawling my head off. Stephanie was on her way over and when she arrived, she rocked me like a child and told me I was going to be alright. Well, duh- I knew *I* was going to be okay but what about Hannah. But was I really crying for her or my dad or myself?
I told myself on my 27th birthday that I wasn’t going to be living in Mpls when I turned 28. I’ve spent a huge chunk of the time since traveling- trying to figure out where to be. I’ve narrowed it down considerably... but what other steps have I taken? Am I just waiting? For what? We all have a limited amount of time here. Hannah might not make it to the end of the year. What would you do if you knew you only had a moment in time left? I think my answers surprised me.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
How disturbing is this?
I had been looking forward to sleeping in on Sunday all week. Imagine my surprise this morning when, after stretching with a refreshing (glorious) laziness- I looked at the clock and discovered it was 8:30am.
I made the bed and strolled into the living room expecting to see a warzone- wine glasses and snack plates aggressively defending their territory from beer bottles and ashtrays. But there was no mad disarray. Apparently I took care of this last night- even going so far as to have grounds already measured out in the press.
Instead of books of bar matches with 'theLiMNS wed@Cabooze' or 'moarVODKA!' written crazily on them, littering the floor- I have apps reminding me to 'pick Marie up, wed@airport' and 'buy more cilantro and garlic.' Good god, my taxes are even already done.
What's happened to me!?
I made the bed and strolled into the living room expecting to see a warzone- wine glasses and snack plates aggressively defending their territory from beer bottles and ashtrays. But there was no mad disarray. Apparently I took care of this last night- even going so far as to have grounds already measured out in the press.
Instead of books of bar matches with 'theLiMNS wed@Cabooze' or 'moarVODKA!' written crazily on them, littering the floor- I have apps reminding me to 'pick Marie up, wed@airport' and 'buy more cilantro and garlic.' Good god, my taxes are even already done.
What's happened to me!?
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
An appeal for bipartisanship
OK.
Erm... Big scary political words confuse me sometimes. I know their definitions (and if not, I know where to look;) but the majority- I have a hard time finding real life application. And it seems unnecessary and cumbersome to use them when we already have ways of saying these things.
Today at work, I was almost killed by a homicidal redneck. She had a chip on her shoulder (the size of her trailer) about the inauguration *and* apparently had the power of divining people's political sway by merely looking at them. My crime? I told her she couldn't use the hotel's dumpster to throw her household's trash away after she nearly ran our accountant over in the parking lot. Well, *that* and the fact that I was all 'high and mighty now that I had gotten one of those people in the white house' presumably- you know, an ignorant terrorist who was gleefully celebrating! flushing this nation down the toilet.
I truly am amazed sometimes by the things that actually happen to me in real life. She proceeded to start shoving me with her stomach and threaten my life in general.
About this time, Nancy (our accountant) picked herself off the ground and came over. Nancy is having a bad day. I know this because I remember the RNC and her exuberant participation in the city's events. I remember how her smile didn't leave her face for a week. She's a card-carrying member of the NRA, a proud holder of a carry/conceal permit, and was devastated when McCain lost the election. As she walks over, she pushes up the sleeves of her jacket and both of her american flag tattoos (inked in hearts on her forearms) are visible.
Nancy walks over and immediately offers to coldclock this lady if she doesn't back off. Insults are traded back and forth over my head and I begin to blush with the implications of some of the things they're saying. This goes on for quite some time. Finally, as I'm sure arguments always end with the card-carrying-conceal people, Nancy tells her she has a gun and knows how to use it. It was then I came to a realization.
OK.
Bipartisanship: Nancy and I burying a body together. Got it- it's like CODE!
Erm... Big scary political words confuse me sometimes. I know their definitions (and if not, I know where to look;) but the majority- I have a hard time finding real life application. And it seems unnecessary and cumbersome to use them when we already have ways of saying these things.
Today at work, I was almost killed by a homicidal redneck. She had a chip on her shoulder (the size of her trailer) about the inauguration *and* apparently had the power of divining people's political sway by merely looking at them. My crime? I told her she couldn't use the hotel's dumpster to throw her household's trash away after she nearly ran our accountant over in the parking lot. Well, *that* and the fact that I was all 'high and mighty now that I had gotten one of those people in the white house' presumably- you know, an ignorant terrorist who was gleefully celebrating! flushing this nation down the toilet.
I truly am amazed sometimes by the things that actually happen to me in real life. She proceeded to start shoving me with her stomach and threaten my life in general.
About this time, Nancy (our accountant) picked herself off the ground and came over. Nancy is having a bad day. I know this because I remember the RNC and her exuberant participation in the city's events. I remember how her smile didn't leave her face for a week. She's a card-carrying member of the NRA, a proud holder of a carry/conceal permit, and was devastated when McCain lost the election. As she walks over, she pushes up the sleeves of her jacket and both of her american flag tattoos (inked in hearts on her forearms) are visible.
Nancy walks over and immediately offers to coldclock this lady if she doesn't back off. Insults are traded back and forth over my head and I begin to blush with the implications of some of the things they're saying. This goes on for quite some time. Finally, as I'm sure arguments always end with the card-carrying-conceal people, Nancy tells her she has a gun and knows how to use it. It was then I came to a realization.
OK.
Bipartisanship: Nancy and I burying a body together. Got it- it's like CODE!
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