In a handbasket.

Blind people have been congregating in droves around my apartment building. It’s an interesting sight- watching all those canes tap-tapping in unison whilst their owners are trying to navigate the slippery Minnesota tundra. Sometimes they aren’t in sync and the clickety-clacking echoes throughout the parking ramp, scaring the hell out of those not in the know. I’m terrified someone will mistake *his* click for *their* clack, tripping up and causing a pile-up 15 blind guys deep.

Saying this probably makes me a bastard. But I promise- I only giggled at the sight of them *once*.

Driving to work this morning, I was about to make my right towards downtown when I saw him. Lone blind dude walkin’ down the sidewalk. Now I swear- I saw him coming... I was nowhere NEAR the crosswalk. Herds of elephants had enough room to cross at that particular walk. Savvy? I may be a bastard but I don’t want anyone thinking I mow down the blind for fun in my free time.

Back to dude. This guy- he’s *tearing* down the sidewalk all badass-like. Sprinters would get lapped, bicycles left in the dust! His cane was slashing through the air so furiously, you could almost hear it whistle! He’s Rutger Hauer in Blind Fury! I’m talkin’ a ‘he may be blind but he don't need no dog’ sort of forward momentum! I hope we’re clear because I’m out of Blind Fury references!

Dude was fast. He was halfway across the intersection before I even had time to process how fast he was. And just about that time, for some bizarre reason he VEERED off course. Directly into the side of my car. Fuck.

You ever hear the racket a steel cane can make bashing about in a wheel well? It’s loud. Real, real loud. I tried to open my door but after an inch or so, was afraid I’d snap the cane if I wasn’t careful. “AHHH! OMG are you okay?!” He didn’t appear to be listening to me. I closed the door and rolled down the window, thinking I could get his attention better if I wasn’t speaking through the gap in the door. My requests to help were reduced to frantic pleas to stop as the whacking and grating drowned out my voice. It appeared he had decided to take out the cougar single-handedly and he wasn’t going to rest until the job was done.

Then suddenly- silence. It was over as quickly as it began and I was left sitting in my car, feelin' EPICfail. As I was watching him walk away, I began dreading the inevitable retaliation from the blind.

Oh well- at least I'll see it coming.

An education in rage.

Someone once asked me if I had ever considered donating melatonin, presumably the way others donate plasma. I’ll admit I *am* pretty mellow (and whether or not this continued mellowness stems from the TON of prozac shoved down my throat during my formative teenage years is probably a story for another day.) You know how people jump at the movies during the **BOO** parts? I don’t do that. My blood pressure is so low, doctors think I’m DEAD. I make the cat seem stressed out. And so on.

Therefore, it tends to surprise people that I have a short-fused, crazy pollack temper. Let me show you it:

Imagine the calmest calm in a temple. A silence that makes a whisper seem deafening. Motion, then complete inactivity. Smoke exhaled from a sigh, curling lazily in still air. Lips still pursed in a circle. One blink. Two. There is a serene, moon-lit lake. Not a ripple disturbs its surface. A breeze slowly moves through the surrounding trees and then-

AN EVIL HELLSPAWN BREAKS THE SURFACE SPEWING WATER AND GORE 400 FEET IN THE AIR!! ROWS AND ROWS OF NEEDLE TEETH DRIP RAZORS!! ITS 20 ARMS ARE EACH BRANDISHING CHAINSAWS!! THE LAKE TURNS TO BOILING MOLTEN LAVA!! RED IS THE ONLY COLOR IN THE WORLD!! THE RIOT OF NOISE ELEVATES THE HELLSPAWN’S HEATRATE UNTIL ITS HEAD EXPLODES!

And from there it just gets worse. It’s simply a circumstance of birth. I can't help it. Swear. Anywho, my lunatic anger is the main reason I can’t...

...watch football. Someone keep me posted?