Adult enrichment.

My jubliance in light of some recent developments... ::cough:: has made me flighty and nuts. So today at the Normandy, I've given myself a task that I feel: #1. will focus my thoughts, improving my concentration thus sparing my poor nerves and #2. is slightly appropriate given: subA.) I am aware of my own debaucherous character and subB.) the moral implication of such a task had said development *not* occurred would have been terrible indeed... but not so terrible as to dull my enthusiasm for it.

Striving to better myself- today I will research then practice (hopefully culminating in my perfect pronunciation) a specific phrase in several different languages. It is:

"I speak no (insert language here)... but in the dark I speak all languages."

:D

Driving, driving, driving

 
When was the last time these two city girls found themselves on a ribbon of lavender road, slashing through acres of boundless hills, under a riotous sunset- for absolutely no reason whatsoever?

Ahhhh... welcome back summer <3

My stubborness is going to get me killed

The universe and I are still beefin'. On my way to work, I stuck my head out of the car and shook my fist at the sky just to let it know it's still on.
When I arrived at work and tried to walk through the brand new sliding glass doors, they malfunctioned and shmooshed me again the wall. I made a sound like this: wha..? OH! AH!*squeak*BLAM*squish*

Tasks this weekend:
- Locate and purchase another appropriate stun gun for my upcoming Canadian adventures.
- Find a new job to pay off MASSIVE newfound debts. Or find corner on which to sell body.
- Read Jack Canfield's The Success Principles, which- according to Tim M. will solve all my problems and get me everything I want out of life.
- Decide on little fun: picnicing in Lake City or big fun: saying fuckitall and hopping the Megabus to Chicago.

I better get started.
BYE!

The return of the infamous Flower Bandit.

Last night Stephanie and I stole 40lbs of flowers from an obliging park.

11pm finds us sitting in our underwear, windows thrown open, sipping chilled wine- trying to catch a hint of a breeze. The heat doesn't really bother us though, we're too busy savoring this tantalizing first sip of summer. The humid air is dripping with the scent of lilacs and the hint of many such [lazy] evenings to come. Stephanie is ribbing me on my junkie-looking elbow bandage and my belief that there is one perfect love out there for me that I think I will somehow find.

I don't rise to it, instead throwing her a knowing smile followed by a truly spectacular raspberry. We put on some Michael Jackson and Prince and dance around my apartment like lunatics- laughing and singing so loud I fear eviction the next day. I went to sleep with a smile on my lips thinking the waiting and the wanting of life can be so sweet sometimes.

Checkmate/Stalemate.

So.
Once one has plans, the only logical thing to do it carry out those plans. My credit card debt was almost eliminated, I had been mending some of those loose ends, and saying appropriate goodbyes.
But then.
Something happened and now I owe someone a GREAT deal of money. It's completely my fault. I can't blame anyone. Except... y'know- the universe.

I'll admit- I cried bitter, disbelieving tears. But.. but... but come ON. This was supposed to be it! You're supposed to figure out what you think you want, take steps, work hard, and make your way there- right? Maybe you won't get what you set out to find but you're supposed to be able to try!! I was being so freakin' positive, universe! After all this time, all I've had to lose- I deserve a chance at this happiness I'm looking for.

Oh you *deserve* it, Kell? You think you're *owed* something in the world? And don't blame anyone for your situations- you selfish, selfish girl. YOU kissed that boy. YOU couldn't be there for your friends. If I recall correctly- YOU signed that bond all the while thinking she was a better friend to you than all those others you threw away. Grow up- everything you've lost, you've deserved to lose.

No, no! I kissed a boy- yes, and I've been beating myself up over that for YEARS goddammit. I'm SORRY! What else can I do to make up for it?! What else can you possibly take away from me!? I am so *tired* of being the villain. I am so *tired* of coming home with no one there. I'm not lonely but I think I've been alone LONG ENOUGH.

I wandered outside to have the day's last smoke and I felt like screaming myself hoarse at the sky- I'M SORRY. Arms spread wide- no longer in supplication, instead a final accusation... slowly, quietly I uttered- 'For a year, I've tried to make up for these stupid things I've done hoping in time (if I did enough good) somehow I could be forgiven. I haven't been perfect but the past two years have been lost, lonely, and confusing for me. If everything happens for a reason, what's the reason for this? Am I to take this as a sign from you that I'm not supposed to leave? That I'm not done with my penance? I'll sit alone forever if I wait for the right time. I'm here and now I'm ready. I'm done with you, universe.'

I don't deserve anything. But I'm here- asking for it just the same. I want my dream. Fuck the idea of some GRAND UNKNOWABLE PLAN. I'm deciding what *I* want to do and regardless of the cost to myself and the set backs... I'M DOING IT DAMMIT. I feel I know what I have to do- I won't give up. I am NOT taking no for an answer.

First I'm taking back the notice I gave for my apartment. If they don't let me, I'll find another place- smaller and cheaper. I will find another job- I don't care where. I'll donate plasma at least once a week until it makes me sick- I'll get used to it. I'll quit smoking and stay in and walk absolutely everywhere I go. I'm not backing down from this. I *will* go to Seattle, I *will* surround myself with people who are good and I *will* find someone who thinks I'm the cat's pajamas. Not because I deserve these things but because I want it- that damn bad.

That's my answer to this.
...and even though I don't believe in you anymore- it's your move universe.

Nachos and hippies and pregnancy tests- Oh my!

This morning I had an epic nacho hangover. The only cure, I’ve found- is twizzler flavored water. This is how I make it: on any given day one will find 6 opened packages of twizzlers throughout my house- these might be in my purse, buried under the covers on the bed, hidden behind the sofa, etc. One never knows when a twizzler craving will strike and I can’t very well eat the whole bag... (that would produce a *twizzler* hangover the next morning- for which there is no cure) Anyway. Regardless of the fact that twizzlers are made entirely out of plastic, they tend to lose their fresh deliciousness quite fast once opened. After almost breaking a tooth on this leathery discovery, I knew I had to figure something out. Before leaving for work one morning, I plopped a handful of them in a glass of water. Upon my arrival home, not only did I find a way to revive my stale treats- I also discovered the recipe for twizzler tea! Norm is a big fan. :D

Uuuuuggghhh. I swear to god- if I’m pregnant, I’m so marching to one of his shows with the thing and plopping it down on the stage and walking away. I’d have to as #1. He has no job, no home, no phone, hell- no SHOES so I have no other way of reaching him and #2. I really don’t think he and I should have a child (drunk&dreadlocked; mom&dad) so I might as well offer it up to the reggae gods. ‘Ira! You patchouli-wearing, hippie mothafucker! You’ve bred- sarong your offspring to your hip and bring it to a goddamn festival. Maybe one of your unwashed, unshaven groupies will take care of it for you in the name of the great spirit, free love, or some other womyn mysticism.’

............................................................

Tonight I have to go to a feast at MCTC. Hopefully I won’t have to say much as my Ojibwe is embarrassingly rusty. And I suppose, after I should figure some things out. Strangely enough... I’m not *too* upset about the whole matter. A friend asked me earlier, of the 3 men in my life- if I had a choice... surprisingly I did. But that doesn’t matter now:) Still- it was nice to realize that about him. And... if he were to ask me again, seriously this time- I’d say yes.

Of course, he'd have to take my bastard in too. That would complicate things a wee bit.

Mother's Day

&nbsp
I was in the car for 7 hours yesterday.
It was totally worth it to see the look on mom's face :)
I wish I could tell her why I'm leaving.
I wish I knew whether or not it was the right thing to do.
I didn't figure *that* out but I did discover, in those driving musings, that I do want to be a mother some day.


Heck. I might even be good at it.
Maybe.

The Final Frontier

Now I know why- in the wee hours of sleepless nights, sometimes I feel a slight unfulfilled sadness and discontent...

I was born too early.

...I was supposed to be a Starfleet captain.

<3

Ditto, man.

To the beautiful boys and girls at the May Day festival - m4w - 25 (Powderhorn Park)
Reply to: pers-j6kh7-1152886597@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
Date: 2009-05-03, 7:11PM CDT

...the hipsters, hippies, punks, anarchists, goths, artists, performers, and anyone else I've missed--

You're beautiful. I want to make out with all of you.

How anyone can maintain a sense of bitter apathy in this world- I have absolutely no idea.

Yesterday I felt broken beyond repair for many reasons. Reality, you beastly bitch... I know life isn't fair but sometimes can't it be unfair in *my* favor? Stephanie came over and took me to Powderhorn- we caught the tail end of the Mayday fest then sat by the lake (bletch?) and watched the sunset. It seemed an appropriately mopey thing to do. Trying to rally for the troops, I mustered enthusiasm on our arrival home. Stephanie! Come look at the pictures I took of the lake!! Ooooh, pretty. As she walked towards the screen, picasa decided it would be a good time to fetch my naughty photos for me and display then slideshow style full screen. Her utterly horrified face (and my mortified hilarity) upon seeing me and my various men-folk in the ::ahem:: *buff* made me realize- maybe being a tragic and romantic figure doesn't suit me after all...

...*but* I still glance at the 'missed connection' section every chance I get. There's nothing quite like a MOMENT- y'know?